Hi there,
Last night, I wanted to give up taking the MCAT*.
I texted my boyfriend and told him that I felt guilty because I hadn’t touched any of my content review books in a while. In my defense, I was fatigued. It was the first time in my entire adulthood that I didn’t want to try because it felt pointless. The healthcare system is crashing anywhere in the world. Science has become infamous. Our society outright disrespects healthcare workers and scientists while depending on them to keep our society afloat. What’s the point of trying to become a physician-scientist if I’ll end up working in a wormhole like this? I’m no saint, and I’m not planning to be. Who’s to say that everything will be better in 10-15 years after my training?
I was bitter. I was tired and resentful.
When I woke up this morning, I knew that I would start my day later. I stayed on my bed a little longer because this was the only place I’d rather be. My spirit was awake, but my eyes remained closed while I flipped around, trying to find a colder spot my body hadn’t warmed up yet. And then I drifted off once more…
I wish I were a kid again. I’ll grab all the opportunities to sleep or take a nap. My Lola would be surprised, and I would probably be a few inches taller. But I’m turning 24 this year… this sucks.
Anyway, my room started feeling too hot because I left the heater on. I would get sick without it, especially during this winter season. Glad I woke up to tune into our church’s live stream at the right time.
(Just a slight segue, I hope you’re okay when I share about tiny bits of my spiritual life. You may not find it exciting and special— it doesn’t have to be. But feel free to tag along.)
We weren’t even in the midpoint of the service, but when I heard this message, I knew that I was done for today. Ate Amber, our pastor, mentioned this (nonverbatim)
God wants to change something in you, before He changes something through you.
Holy—
I didn’t even ask for a sign or words of encouragement or whatever when I was being resentful. But God pulled through, and as usual, I wept. This message arrived when I needed it the most.
Wherever you are in your journey, and whatever burden is on your shoulder right now, I hope that you’re ready when God pulls through because He’ll surprise you. After that encounter with Him, as usual, I wept, and I realized these four things:
I won’t be canceling my MCAT test date because He gave me another reason not to give up so fast. I know we’ll figure out a way to tackle the beastly test.
I’d fight to stay hopeful that our healthcare system will recover and that He will comfort and reward, hundred-fold, everyone who keeps us alive and afloat.
I’ll continue fighting to find my role in the medical field.
God doesn’t care about my status or career in the future but cares more about the kind of person I become—I will die on this hill.
That’s all I have to say for now. Thank you for reading this far. I left some things below that you might like! :) Happy New Year again— to be honest, you can start anytime. Praying for everyone’s fast recovery if you or your loved one contracted Covid— and that we all learn how to manage our anxieties. Get vaccinated and boosted if you’re able to. And please, stay safe. xx
Sincerely,
Sheehan
Announcements
I’ve been spending a lot of energy making my room a lovely place to be in lately because I will be stuck here again for another semester. I will also be spending an 8-hour shift on the Telemetry floor today! I’m pretty excited to see our patients again (and the nurses, I love them) but also scared because I’m not sure how bad the covid situation is at the hospital. Stay safe :c
My Favourite Things
Music
If you follow me on Instagram, you bet I’ll share Encanto songs in my newsletter too. This is one of my favorite songs in the whole soundtrack. PLEASE watch the movie if you’re able to. I highly recommend it!
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Verse of the Week
Micah 7:7 MSG
“But me, I’m not giving up. I’m sticking around to see what God will do. I’m waiting for God to make things right. I’m counting on God to listen to me.”